11.29.2006

Hey, Wanna Go to the DMV?

Department of Motor Victim, that’s me. And one would think it is in the realistic sense that perhaps there was a long line, obnoxious personnel, a demand for the removal of one of my ovaries as proof I’m a woman and, in fact, me. But no. Actually I was a victim of my own making.

You see, last year I got a new license. And the picture was pretty good! Imagine my dismay when I discovered I have to renew the whole license a year later. And a new picture. Being the day before the license actually expires, I choose lunch time to head over. Just for kicks.

So I take a shower, do my hair, wear photograph-appropriate attire, and put on lipstick. I mean, God forbid a zitty 16-year old at a retail store or a 50-year old man-woman security checker at the airport should see my picture and it doesn’t look good. I don’t use ID for clubs any more because A) I don’t go to clubs any more and B) who would card a 41-year old? But I digress….. I still have the vanity that is pushing me to get a good license picture.

So I take the 20-minute drive to the DMV and woops.... I left my other (almost expired) license at home. Need the old to get the new, and no Ma’am I don’t happen to have my birth certificate on me. So I schlep back…. get the license…. put on more lip gloss and wander back in the DMV. It's pracitcally empty. No line! Miracle.
(the whole renewal process(and nice personnel to boot) took just 10 minutes).

So in the midst of the process, as I walked up to Picture Lady and whooshed my hair back a bit and cleared my teeth of any potential debris…all ready to SMILE. She pulled up last year's license and said, “Do you want to just keep last year’s picture?”

If you want to know what I did, you’d have to either 1) be a cop, 2) work for the NTSA, or 3) convince me to go clubbing.

11.09.2006

My Boyfriend's Ex Wife is in My Freezer

To quote my good friend CJBlue, "Sometimes the headline is really much more interesting than the story."

No need to call the cops. Or the Jeffrey Dahmer Fan Club. It's not what you think. Another friend of mine had a great suggestion to rid oneself of a bothersome person. According to an American Indian Shaman, you immerse a photo of the offender in water, then place it in the freezer. Perhaps it's a placebo effect. Maybe it really works. Maybe there is an ex-wife walking around wondering why she needs an extra sweater.

When I asked what kind of container I should put the photo in, she replied, "Whatever... tupperware is fine." I didn't have tupperware, but I did have a Glad disposable container.

So now when someone is really bugging me, I don't get mad.... I get Glad.

11.02.2006

Ludicrous Lyrics

Have you ever been singing along with a song… and then it clicks in your head… “OH….is that what they’re saying?” This notion first came to mind when I realized that during Simon and Garfunkel’s “Scarborough Fair” they did not actually sing “Sagebrush, parsley, Mary and bright.” And then I asked around. A lot of people have had wrong-lyric incidents. Even if you know the real words, sometimes it’s hard to sing them once you’re used to the wrong ones! So here is my small collection of wrong lyrics… any to add?

One song I had never learned the chorus to was Earth Wind and Fire’s “September” I just sang along “Oh dee do, Saturday Remember….oh dee do, Saturday September.” So then I looked up the lyrics. It appears I wasn’t that far off: "Ba de ya - say do you remember… Ba de ya - dancing in September".

My daughter sang with all her might in the back seat at age three “Bob the Build-ahh aaa-er…” to the chorus of Born to be Wild

A friend of mine had a friend who sang “I have a little Moe, he rides in the back…” from Joe Walsh’s “Life’s Been Good”

And Donna Summer… “Someone left the cake out in the rain…and I don’t think that I can take it, because it took so long to bake it…” Oh wait, those ARE the real lyrics, they just don’t make any sense.